For many Black people over the age of 40, love seems to be an elusive thing. Those recovering from a divorce or long-term relationship do not want to make the same mistake twice, so the process to choose a new romantic partner can be critical.
CODE M took some time to ask several Black men and women about their dating experiences and the conversation covered everything from time commitments to availability. The bottom line: there is a disconnect between the sexes that must be addressed. Here are the answers to the questions that were asked from both parties.
IS IT HARD TO FIND LOVE?
Most of the Black men interviewed answered “yes” to this question. Many felt like they meet enough women, but they struggle to develop enough interest from the women they speak with to have it develop into a relationship.
“It seems like the women I meet are very professional. They are high achieving in their careers, but they bring that same critical thinking into the relationship, and it doesn’t work for me,” Jason, from Cleveland, said.
The men feel like the professional women they have met were too serious and didn’t allow themselves to have fun. This feeling was across the board for the men interviewed. For Black women, the answer to this question was quite different. They felt like it was not hard to find love, they just don’t want to waste their time on relationships that will not lead to marriage.
“I like to date with intent,” Tanya, from Shaker, said. “I don’t want to put time and energy into a relationship that isn’t going to end in a long-term relationship. I’m not looking to get married soon, but the intent to achieve that needs to be there.”
DOES YOUR INCOME IMPACT WHO YOU MEET?
Men are overly sensitive when it comes to income and how much they, and the women they date, make. This age-old problem needs to be eliminated from the dating conversation because women have jobs, own homes, and are leading in several sectors of professional positions.
“I personally don’t have a problem if my lady makes more than me, but I do expect to lead the relationship,” Chris, from Mentor, said. “I hate to sound traditional but it’s how I was raised.”
The women questioned had a much different answer.
“Income for me is not a problem. Most of the men I meet have a problem with what I make. And I am not going to apologize for living well or having wonderful things.” Crystal said. “Intimidation doesn’t work for me, so ultimately, the man I meet will have to be OK with what I make.”
The question of income hinders many individuals from finding the right person. Whether they are afraid of it or not, it can create a barrier to finding the right person. Black women are on the move. They are advancing in scores of fields and getting degrees at a much faster rate than their counterparts.
According to Forbes, women have been earning more college degrees than men since the 1980s and now, for the first time, there are more college-educated women in the workforce than college-educated men. Black women have also attained more education, and this has resulted in big gains in job growth for this population.
According to a new study from Pew Research, which analyzed data from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, women twenty-five and older now make up 50.2% of the college-educated workforce. That is up about 11% since the year 2000.
Employment rates for minority women have also seen significant increases. The percentage of employed Hispanic women between the ages of 25 has increased by 2.2% since 2007. That is the biggest increase in employment of any working group in that timeframe. Black women came in second, with their employment jumping 1.6% over the same period. The New York Times attributes these increases in workforce participation in part to the uptick in Hispanic women enrolling in college (the share of Hispanic women pursuing a degree increased to 41% from 36% from 2010 to 2016) and to decreases in fertility rates for Hispanic and Black women.
HOW MANY RED FLAGS DO YOU HAVE?
The men laughed at this question, but they eventually agreed that they have dozens of red flags. Red Flags are warning signs that creep up when meeting someone. As people age, their red flags tend to increase due to a desire to not make the same mistakes they did in the past.
John, from Cleveland, offered his opinion: “My red flags change from time to time because I’m still trying to figure out what I want. I just want someone who loves me like I’m willing to love them. I’m not that complicated.”
The complex process of merging adult lives can be about the most awkward thing couples can do, but it can be done. There are scores of people who have met someone on a dating app and got married in less than a year. Not everyone is that lucky, but it is proof that it can be done.
“My red flags are men who play games,” Brandi said. “The men that I meet seem to only want to date a little. When I see that he’s doing a lot of texting and no phone calls or communication, it lets me know that he’s not serious. And I want serious.”
All the women polled agreed that men seem to want to casually date, without a real commitment to the relationship. Because men increasingly take on this trait, women sometimes can be reluctant to engage with any man.
The result of these questions only created more questions. Both men and women want to date but struggle to find the right guidance to do so. Both agreed that a dating summit needs to take place where they can engage in real dialogue and find the underlying cause of the problem. Until then, both sexes will have to find a way to meet, date, and court each other effectively. ●
