In 1789, Benjamin Franklin, in a letter to physicist Jean-Baptiste Le Roy, wrote “… in this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” How right he was as the inevitability of death is something none of us can deny. Somehow, some way, someday, we’re going to completely shut down and “shuffle off this mortal coil.”
This is a conversation most people don’t want to have with a family member — and it doesn’t matter if that talk is initiated by one’s adult children or an aging parent. No one wants to discuss death, elder and hospice care, funeral homes, burial plots, what to do with the deceased’s possessions, etc. As hard and uncomfortable as it is, though, that talk needs to happen and plans made.
Jimmy, who’s age 39, lives with his grandparents. Grandma is 94, and Grandpa is in his late eighties and has advanced dementia. Grandma takes care of everyone and won’t hear of moving into assisted care even though she has a host of physical ailments. The stress of caring for her husband leaves her in a constant state of anger and frustration, which causes shouting arguments between the two.
Jimmy has stated it would kill him to put his grandparents in a senior care facility. Consequently, no plans have been made concerning the grandparents’ healthcare costs, their home, their lifetime of accrued possessions, cremation or burial, their debt, Social Security, power of attorney, and so much more.
Jimmy’s family, because of their resistance to having “that” talk, are going to be hit with the hard reality of dealing with major issues either last minute or after the fact. Not making appropriate arrangements can lead to dire financial difficulties. It can also lead to upsetting family disagreements, power plays, emotional blackmail, recrimination, and even crimes.
For many, the imminent passing of a family member can be an emotional roller coaster. An array of feelings will undoubtedly come up from grief and depression to shock, anger, fear, regret, shame, guilt, disappointment, frustration, remorse, helplessness, resentment, and even relief. Issues can also rise to the surface from unmet needs and old hurts including blame for emotional damage and trauma, failures and mistakes, and loss of all kinds.
Family dynamics really come into play in a way that can be from thoughtful to shocking. For many people who are losing a parent, legacy and financial concerns are very important to attend to ahead of the person’s passing. That would include assigning power of attorney to a trusted family member or individual, establishing a living will focus on health and medical treatments, and a last will and testament that handles the distribution of property, assets, and the care of any dependents.
It’s important to work with an attorney who specializes in estate planning. Having a testamentary will (the most common type of will) has well-defined benefits that include:
• Clear distribution of assets to reduce potential family challenges and disagreements.
• The protection of loved ones so that assets aren’t grabbed up by estranged relatives or the courts making decisions that could cause family disputes.
• The appointment of a guardian for minors instead of the courts making the decision of who cares for children.
• Faster access to assets, which simplifies the process for heirs and beneficiaries.
• Tax planning to reduce tax liability and for making charitable donations.
There are several other types of wills to consider incorporating with the testamentary will to ensure all assets, distributions, and taxes are handled appropriately and as desired.
That’s the nitty-gritty of estate planning, which can be complicated. What can be even more complicated and long-lasting is the emotional impact of a parent’s death or their pending passing, something that is different for each person.
What often occurs is that surviving family members go through a process of revisiting memories and re-examining or reevaluating the kind of relationship they had with their parents. Memories will surface, both good and bad, with old and unresolved issues re-lived and sorted through. The tendency for many people is to address them before their parent passes. This can be quite upsetting for everyone and even tear families apart.
In scenarios such as this, a wide range of emotions can be expressed. What’s forgotten is the fact that a person is on the verge of dying, yet accusations, blame, criticism, vengeance, greed, entitlement, inflexible religious differences, and dishonest agendas can come into play. When it comes to money, property, titles, and legacy, things can get badly tangled and very nasty.
At times like this, an outside intermediary is called for, someone who has no ties to or investment in the family. It’s a job that requires complete detachment and someone who can keep the family on point rather than being sidetracked by unresolved emotional issues and personal schemes.
On the other hand, there are close-knit families wherein their inherent love, appreciation, and respect for each other are what guide the family through this difficult situation. Researchers have found that 46 percent of end-of-life conversations value sharing family histories and 23 percent even want to preserve treasured family recipes.
Additionally, family members want to see their parent’s estate handled equitably amongst all the beneficiary parties. Fighting over money, possessions, and ownership is what they want to avoid, so equanimity and thoughtful settlements are carefully employed.
In this process, which can sometimes be lengthy, what cannot be discounted are people’s feelings. Every family member has their own unique relationship with the parent and that needs to be honored or allowed to be what it is. Unfortunately, arguments can ensue when one family member feels another family member isn’t feeling the same way about their parent’s impending death or even the family as a whole. What’s important to recognize is that each person has their own way of dealing with death, loss, and grief, which is based on the type of relationship they had with their parent, religious beliefs, cultural framework, life experiences, and many other factors.
The process of death isn’t always like a Hallmark movie and drama of all sorts can occur. For some people, the passing of a parent is devastating and leaves them inconsolable and unable to function appropriately in their lives. For others, death is a natural progression and what’s important is to celebrate their parent’s life. What can be very helpful for surviving family members is to work with a licensed therapist who deals specifically with death and dying issues.
The death of a parent, whether sudden or extended, will have an emotional impact whether one wants to recognize that fact or not. Responses to a parent’s passing range from denying their parent is dying and believing they’ll recover to the parent’s dying can’t happen fast enough and good riddance. The reasons behind any response need to be addressed as they become part of the fabric of a person’s health and well-being. The more negative the response, the deeper the emotional issue that needs attending to.
The primary focus for most families is to arrange as dignified and peaceful a passing as possible. Though the death process can be uncomfortable, scary, and painful, grief counseling can be very helpful prior to, during, and following a parent’s passing. The focus of counseling is to help a family member, and even the entire family, adjust to a new reality of life without their parent.
Grief counseling can include grief therapy and what is known as Complicated Grief Therapy, which is helpful for people who are overwhelmed with grief and can’t let it go. There is also Traumatic Grief Therapy for those who lost a parent suddenly or witnessed their death. Other therapies include:
• Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
• Cognitive Behavior Therapy
• Group Therapy
• Art Therapy
• Play Therapy
Aside from investing in therapeutic support, it’s also very important for family members to surround themselves with supportive people — build a support system — so that they don’t feel isolated, abandoned, dismissed, forgotten, or even ostracized.
The passing of a parent, whether loved or not, will affect anyone no matter how stoical or in control they may act. We just need to remember that we’re not alone in this process and that there are a multitude of resources available, as well as people who have also made this journey. Asking for help and support through this difficult time is imperative and the healthiest option for anyone to take.
