For those looking for love, post-pandemic dating has gone to yet another level. When COVID-19 hit, everyone moved to online dating. That transition has redefined how we engage with each other, choose when to meet in person, and finally when to have sex. The question remains: How many dates should you go on before having sex?
The answer to this question comes in layers. For men, based on a Groupon poll, they were willing to date five times before engaging in sex. Women were willing to wait until date nine. According to relationship therapists, those under the age of thirty who have never been married often engaged in sex around date three.
But let’s back up for a second and take a look at the process by which people are making this emotionally charged decision.
First, age is an important determining factor. For younger people hooking up, sex is far less dramatic than for a divorced single parent of three looking to re-enter the dating scene. The older you are, and depending on if you were married, the decision of when to have sex with your new partner becomes
much more difficult to determine.
“I wanted to keep my partners to a minimum after I became single, so I limited my choices and waited until I was ready,” Aziza Jimerson, from Cleveland Heights said. “Once I was totally comfortable, then I was all in.”
Ironically, many people want to discuss how many dates they went on before they had their first kiss. Most people over forty wait until the second date to kiss, let alone worry about when to have sex with them.
Men are okay with kissing on a first date while women prefer to wait until the second date before offering a kiss. This response is based on the way we date today — online dating has created a wait-and-see mentality for many people.
“Meeting people online has created a process. If texting online goes well, then we move it offline to talk on the phone. If that goes well, we schedule a coffee date. Then, if that goes well, we meet for a real date,” Frank from the Westside explained. “If all of that goes well, I still need to see if the person I’ve invested all of that time into continues to be the same person before I decide to sleep with them.”
Relationship expert Darlene Jeter offered a female perspective on how women approach dating.
“While women are experiencing more sexual freedom, some women continue to ask themselves: Did I give it up too soon? Should I wait a little longer? What will he think of me after I give it up?” Jeter said.
“Women should not get themselves into a tizzy mulling over questions about when to have sex.
There is one question women need to give a lot of thought to, however,” Jeter concluded, “Does he possess the qualities I’m seeking in a mate?”
Everyone has made mistakes when it comes to dating. Most people have had the terrible experience of moving way too fast with what turned out to be the wrong person. But modern dating creates moments of euphoria where everything seems aligned and idyllic. The date is saying all the right things, behaving the right way, has that special twinkle in their eye, etc.
The thought of waiting becomes lost in the intense feelings of releasing sexual tension, desire, passion, and lust. The decision is made to throw caution to the wind and have sex with a person we barely know. After sex, though, the fire quickly dissipates when we learn that the person we thought we were falling for bursts our bubble.
So, what’s the answer for when to have sex? The bottom line is that there is no formula singles can follow to make a good decision. For those who are dating, the process for each date, each person we’re considering a candidate for sex, seems to be different and involves a number of components from age, looks, children, parents, pets, dating history, outcomes we’re seeking, schooling, careers, financial status, sexual proclivities, and even the area of town we live in.
What matters most is whether the person is worth the investment. Can they fulfill you intellectually, emotionally, physically, psychologically, and spiritually? If the answer is yes, then you’ll make a good decision on when engaging sexually is right.
There is an enormous difference between needing some lovin’ and looking for a soulmate. Those who are single seem to have developed their own processes and criteria to determine when the right time to have sex is. Whatever your decision, consider the consequences and how you’ll feel about yourself afterward.
Very importantly, understand the “why” behind your decision and who you are deep within your own heart. As wonderful as a partner and sex can be, you must still be true to yourself. ●
“Remember, there’s a difference between somebody who wants you and somebody who would do anything to keep you.”
