Merriam-Webster dictionary defines an underdog as a “predicted loser in a struggle or contest” therefore, based on the statistic that 70 percent of divorces are filed by wives, husbands are the underdog within the context of marriage. When diving deeper into the data, we find Black Americans divorce at the highest rate compared to any other ethnicity in the US, at a rate of 31 divorces per 1,000 people based on the most recent US Census data. This number is double the rate of White (Caucasian) Americans who divorce at a rate of 15 divorces per 1,000 people. These numbers are even more concerning when considering that Black adults also make up the largest share of the never-married group.
Why are Black men at a higher risk for divorce?
Based on research, there are ten different risk factors that make the struggle or contest of marriage a predictable failure for those who attempt to defeat divorce. Couples who exhibit these risk factors are “Marriage Underdogs.”
The goal of this article is to highlight the top ten risk factors that increase Black men’s chances for divorce. When groups, especially men of color, have a better understanding of the threats that are against them, they can better equip themselves with the tools needed to protect themselves from falling victim to certain fates. Simply put, “When we know better, we then have a greater chance to do better.”
Marriage Underdog Risk #1: Marrying Before the Age of 25
A 2016 study conducted by Psychology Today, states that couples who get married at age 20 are 50 percent more likely to divorce than couples who wait until they’re 25. This is because our ability to make better decisions happens later in life after our prefrontal cortex is fully developed. Our frontal lobe is responsible for decision-making, reasoning, personality expression, and other complex cognitive behaviors.
Marriage Underdog Risk #2: Having Parents that Got Divorced or Never Married
In his book Understanding the Divorce Cycle” written by Nicholas H. Wolfinger, researcher, and professor at the University of Utah, the risk of divorce is 50 percent higher when one spouse comes from a divorced home and 200 percent higher when both partners have parents who divorced or never married.
Marriage Underdog Risk #3: Prior Marriages that Ended in Divorce
From data compiled by the US Census Bureau and the National Center for Health Statistics, the marriage breakup rate in America for first marriages is 50 percent; the divorce rate for second marriages is 67 percent, and the divorce rate in America for third marriages is 74 percent. Based on these numbers, it’s worth it to try and make one’s current marriage work because the grass is not always greener on the other side.
Marriage Underdog Risk #4: Living with Your Partner Prior to Marriage or Engagement
The Pew Research Center reported that 60 percent of cohabiting couples will eventually get married, however, they also found that living together prior to marriage can increase your chances of getting divorced by as much as 40 percent. This is because most cohabitating partners have loose boundaries, which leads to trust issues that bleed over into marriage.
Marriage Underdog Risk #5: Conceiving Two Children Less than 18 Months Apart
In a published research article titled, “Shorter Birth Intervals Between Siblings are Associated with Increased Risk of Parental Divorce,” spouses with two children born no more than eighteen months apart, had a 49 percent higher risk for divorce compared to individuals with two children born more than four years apart. Having children reduces marital satisfaction because of the additional strain kids put on a marriage. Practicing family planning by giving a marriage at least 2-4 years between the births of each kid cuts the risk of divorce in half.
Marriage Underdog Risk #6: Being a Different Race than Your Partner
Interracial couples have a 41 percent chance of separation or divorce within their first ten years of marriage, according to a study based on data collected from the National Survey of Family Growth. These statistics are helpful when considering how marrying someone within your racial group can be a factor in reducing the chances of divorce.
Marriage Underdog Risk #7: Cheating and Infidelity
The Institute for Family Studies found that among ever-married adults who have cheated on their spouses, 40 percent are currently divorced or separated. By comparison, only 17 percent of adults who were faithful to their spouse are no longer married. Cheating is a death sentence for marriage and the couples who stay together after infidelity are able to make it because they grieve their old marriage and rebirth a new marriage that is stronger than the first. This process usually happens under the supervision of a marriage counselor who has the training to successfully walk a couple through the steps of treating marital infidelity.
Marriage Underdog Risk #8: Threatening a Divorce or Breakup
Dr. Ehinger, a marriage and family therapist specializing in high-conflict relationships, says that if you are not prepared to make good on the divorce threat, then stop making it as “divorce will get you divorced, threats will get you ignored.” Whenever partners declare a desire to divorce or break up during an argument and don’t really mean it, they are removing safety, security, and trust from the relationship, which are basic human needs both partners require to keep the relationship alive. Couples need to make sure to refrain from using the D-word (Divorce) even during arguments.
Marriage Underdog Risk #9: Frequent Arguments About Money and Finances
San Diego family law attorneys of Wilkinson & Finkbeiner, LLP reported when one partner feels like their spouse spent money foolishly, the couple increases their likelihood of divorce by 45 percent. Couples who argue about finances at least once a week are 30 percent more likely to get divorced. Money is tied to our sense of security and when it’s threatened, we lack trust in our partner. Couples need to get help from a marriage counselor sooner rather than later when they find that most of their arguments center around money.
Marriage Underdog Risk #10: Spouses Who Practice Different Religions or Faiths
Relationship partners who participate in different faith-based practices than their spouse have a 20 percent higher risk for divorce. For several people, their faith-based practices are a major source of strength and align with their life values, principles, and morals. When couples don’t share the same beliefs or at least respect each other’s different beliefs, they can become distant within their marriage. These differences in faith add more pressure on the marriage during hard times like the loss of a loved one or shared traumatic events.
Challenged with two or more of the signs or symptoms on this list classifies a relationship partner as a marriage underdog. Being a marriage underdog doesn’t guarantee a current or future marriage will end in divorce but instead highlights that close attention should be given to processing and protecting the relationship.
The easiest way to assess a marriage or relationship is with the help of a trained marriage counselor. If one is not sure if their marriage or relationship needs counseling, they can visit www.RelationshipCounselingQuiz.com and take the free, five-question assessment. In the same way early prevention can mitigate the risk of physical illnesses such as heart attacks and strokes, relationship counseling can prevent breakups and divorces.
The thought of attending counseling for many Black men is still stigmatized but consider the Malcolm Gladwell quote, “When you’re an underdog, you’re forced to try things you would never otherwise have attempted.” It’s time to challenge the beliefs preventing Black men from doing everything they can to save their marriage, even if that looks like getting help from a counselor.
