The idea of being in a sexless marriage always comes across as surprising. How does this even happen? To find the perfect person to spend the rest of your life with and then to stop sharing intimate moments somehow seems preposterous. But it’s happening more than anyone wants to admit.
Research from the sociology department at Georgia State University suggests that 15 percent of married couples have not had sex with their spouse within the past six to 12 months. With the pandemic, those numbers have been rising.
While those numbers seem alarming, the greater question is: Why is this happening to so many married couples? The answer stems from dozens of legitimate reasons: health, children, sex drive, and polarity all play a role in reducing the opportunity for sex. For most people who we’ve asked about the topic, changes in the dynamic of the relationship drove a wedge into any couple’s sex life.
You would think the answer of just hopping back into the sack would be easy to suggest. But the longer a couple has gone without sex, the harder it is to reconnect with each other.
“I have begged my wife to have sex with me several times. At this point, I just accept that we’re going to have to schedule sex once a month like she wants,” Keith from Bedford Heights said.
Sex drive is one of the major factors that couples say makes them lose the urge to have sex. The lack of urge can come from a variety of situations. Here are some that couples say can lead to a reduced sex drive:
· Smoking
· Health conditions
· Stress
· Fatigue
· Being overweight
· Relationship issues
· Substance abuse
· Certain medications
If any of these situations exist, it could cause someone to lose their sex drive. If two or more of these situations exist, it makes the problem even more complex and significantly harder to resolve.
“When my husband and I got married, he really didn’t want to have sex on our wedding night. It shocked me, and it just got worse from there. I have cried, fought, threatened, and even left him to get his attention,” Tiffany from Brook Park said. “I finally just gave up. We sleep back-to-back and we don’t talk about it anymore. We just kind of co-exist and I have come to the realization that sex is not in the cards for me anymore.” Tiffany concluded.
LIVING WITH NO SEX
After many people concluded that they are living in a sexless marriage, they often try to compensate for it by doing other things or nothing at all. Depending on the situation, many couples feel that when they’re not discussing sex,
their marriage works quite well. They get along, even have fun together. So why ruin the existing marriage dynamic by continually bringing up a point of disagreement and pain.
Some couples have an unspoken agreement to not address the issue. This option usually creates only more distance in the relationship.
“My wife and I stopped having sex several years ago on a regular basis. Now I only get sex on holidays and for my birthday. And oral sex is out of the question,” Rodney from Cleveland said. “It’s gotten to the point where I’m so bitter that I’m completely checked out. I don’t check on her, I don’t laugh at her jokes. I don’t even say ‘bless you’ when she sneezes. I have no desire to please her outside the bedroom because I’m not being taken care of in the bedroom,” Rodney explained.
The resentment that develops from a lack of intimacy only increases the longer couples go without sex. The thoughts of having an affair come into play, but that isn’t a long-term, relationship fix.
Recently, a question was asked on a local radio show wondering what should be done if one’s spouse doesn’t want to have sex. Should the sexless spouse allow the other person to invite a third person into the marriage. The answers, while diverse, didn’t address the issue of why sex stopped in the first place.
One caller said that if she could choose the female, she’d be OK with allowing her husband to have sex with another woman. Many of the callers stated that inviting a third person into the relationship would be the beginning of the end of the marriage.
Some listeners thought the addition of an additional sex partner would spice up the marriage and potentially fix the problem.
The recommended solution by relationship experts is to invest in counseling to work on the problem. Rarely does a couple enter a relationship in order to avoid having sex, so working with a trained
counselor can help uncover the issues surrounding intimacy and sex. Being honest about the needs of each partner in the relationship will give a couple a chance to develop a solution that will allow the marriage to thrive. ●
NEXT MONTH: PART II
We’ll examine the specific negative effects a lack of sex can have on a marriage and what can be done to enliven intimacy and sexual vibrancy.
