It’s happened to everyone. You go months or even years to find the right person. You do the work to make sure they’re the right one, and once you’ve determined they are, you post your happy relationship on social media.
The minute your post hits the platform, your inbox explodes with dozens of people wanting to know more about your new love. They want to see if the new relationship is real. They want to see if the window of opportunity is still there. And finally, they want to know how they can begin the process of breaking up your relationship.
If you’ve experienced any of this, then you were a victim of “mate poaching.” Mate poaching is the concept of the deliberate intention of breaking up a relationship. It’s happened to everyone, and everyone has attempted it, at some point or another.
TAKEN = ENTICING
Human nature suggests that something that’s desired is desirable. The act of mate poaching is more normal than anyone will admit. Motivation for mate poaching can include an evolutionary drive to find mates. Individuals who engage in mate poaching may display traits such as narcissism or Machiavellianism. Other drivers can include novelty seeking, ego validation, extraversion, and poaching could potentially become an addiction.
Whatever the reasons, it is still considered to be one of the most ruthless things a person can do. To attempt to break up, for selfish reasons, in order to then acquire the person you want, is truly despicable behavior. However, everyone has either fantasized, contemplated, or attempted at least one poaching in their dating life.
From an evolutionary perspective, potential benefits include accessing partners who already show desirable traits. For women, it can also be a way to switch partners with the current relationship if unhappy.
The idea that the person who displays the skills to attract and maintain a healthy monogamous relationship is now open season to be stolen appears devilish, but statistics show the act is more common than one would think.
Research suggests mate poaching is more prevalent with 30-50 percent of individuals having attempted it. A significant 10-20 percent of new relationships even originate from mate poaching.
POACHER’S MENTALITY
Partner poachers typically have low empathy, no conscience, act with malicious intent, have a delusional sense of entitlement, and are pathologically envious of the target’s partner (envy plays a huge part in this). In therapeutic terms, these are all part of what is known as cluster-B traits, which are symptoms of four personality disorders: antisocial, borderline, histrionic, and narcissistic. That’s why it is found that these people usually have a severe case of one of these personality disorders.
You would think that protecting your relationship is one of the last things you need to do once you find love. But experts warn that the beginning of going public with a relationship is the most vulnerable time for a relationship to be mate poached.
With the relationship still new, old flames will try to circle back and attempt to rekindle the relationship. Individuals who were too shy or procrastinated in making a move are now emboldened to reach out and see if the feelings are mutual. Old situationships that never materialized into a full-blown relationship are now seen for their value. Hence, poachers work to create the synergy needed to garner a positive return response from the person they are targeting.
MATE POACHING OUTCOMES
Despite any potential evolutionary benefits, mate poaching has significant negative consequences for individuals and relationships.
Mate poaching, while prevalent, has low long-term survival rates. While many people attempt mate poaching, and some even initially succeed in forming a new relationship, most of these relationships do not last, particularly with long-term, committed relationships. According to Couples Therapy Inc., only about 3 percent of mate poaching attempts result in lasting unions, and even those that do eventually end in divorce.
Those statistics are confusing to those who have suffered the loss of a romantic relationship due to mate poaching. With so little return for mate poaching, one must wonder why it is such normal behavior.
MATE POACHING PROTECTION
Mate poaching protection, also known as mate guarding, involves behaviors aimed at preventing a partner from being attracted away by a potential mate poacher. These actions, which can be both overt and covert, aim to maintain exclusive access to a partner and signal commitment to the relationship. Mate guarding is a common human behavior observed across various cultures and species.
Mate Guarding Tactics:
- Overt Tactics – These include actions like physical intimidation or threats directed towards rivals.
- Covert Tactics – These involve more subtle strategies like hiding the partner from potential suitors, engaging in public displays of affection, or even manipulating online communication to conceal interactions with others.
- Mate Retention Behaviors – These include things like spending more time with the partner, making them feel special, or disparaging potential rivals by pointing out their flaws and weaknesses.
For any couple in a newly formed relationship, there are things that can be done to protect their new union from unwanted advances from those who want to seek the new relationship’s demise. The struggle is to maintain a healthy respect for protection versus anxiety. This means not wanting to assume that any and everyone is out to steal your mate; however, you can be on the lookout for suspicious behavior that might resemble mate poaching tactics.
Mate poachers have several tactics to be aware of. Attracting an already spoken for mate with desirable traits, mate poachers increase their chances of successfully enticing their target by strategically employing flirtation, self-presentation, social sabotage, and forming alliances. The aim is often about attaining status, resources, and/or genetic fitness.
For the mindful lover, some of the poacher’s strategies are easier to spot than others. Open communication is the key to surviving any mate poaching attempts. Also, discussing your relationship with your partner and keeping the lines of communication open aids in helping reduce any chance of having the relationship become a victim of mate poaching.
It’s suggested that, in the end, only the couple sincerely involved with each other can truly defeat mate poaching if they want to. Couples who commit to each other can protect their unions by being aware of any outside attempts to communicate beyond the levels of friendship.
With online communication accounting for most of the ways that mate poaching begins, it’s important for those in relationships to establish a code of conduct when dealing with their relationship presence online. Policing nefarious conversations can eliminate any attempt to destroy the relationship.
In 2025, love is hard, and maintaining love is even harder. If you are lucky enough to find love, make every attempt to do whatever it takes to keep the lines of communication open, keep your intentions clear, and your appreciation for each other at a high level.
You never know who might be lurking in the background, waiting for the opportunity to poach your mate and claim them for themselves.
