What exactly is “The Sandwich Generation?” Actually, it’s not a specific generational group, it’s a family arrangement. Specifically, it’s middle-aged parents taking care of their adult children and their own parents (grandparents) — all under one roof. Sometimes, grandchildren are also included. The burden is on the parents to financially and health-wise care for everyone. Thus, the feeling of being sandwiched between children and grandparents.
This arrangement has been around forever with extended families living together. The difference is that back in the day, everyone was pulling their weight and contributing financially and with household upkeep. What we’re seeing today is parents providing financial support for their adult children and aging parents simultaneously.
In a Pew research report, it was found that nearly 47% of adults in their forties and fifties are raising a young child (often a grandchild) while a parent aged 65 or older is living with them. Today, it’s estimated that the sandwich generation has grown to around 11 million with the share of young adults living with their parents having risen to 52%. That’s higher than during the Great Depression when 48% of young adults lived with their parents.
The effect this arrangement is having on families now is causing stress for the entire family. Some of the challenges being experienced include:
• Financial strain for the parents
• Balancing a multitude of family dynamics
• Juggling everyone’s schedules wants and needs
• Mental and health issues with aging parents
• End-of-life considerations for aging parents
• Young adults not working and contributing to the household
• The goals of parents being put on hold include having more children, augmenting their education, advancing in their careers, moving to a better location, etc.
For parents squeezed between both ends, home life can be very stressful. Financially, if the grandparents can contribute to household expenses in some way, that’s very helpful. But that’s not the case for many families, so money has to be reallocated.
Additionally, if there are medical expenses outside of what health insurance will pay for, that adds to monthly costs. And there are further health costs that can accrue, such as physical therapy, health assistance, medications, medical equipment, etc.
If one or both grandparents are experiencing Alzheimer’s or dementia, that adds more stress to the family as most families aren’t equipped to deal with either mental condition. Physical mobility and the ability to do things for oneself are often a part of the mix wherein help is needed from some family member to provide assistance in getting around or even help with physical therapy, keeping up with the meds schedule, administering medications, meals, bathing, and more.
Having a grandparent sharing the parenting workload is extremely helpful when it comes to having minors in the household, like grandkids. But when it comes to young adults residing in the same space, the gap between them and their grandparents can be huge. For many reasons, plenty of grandparents aren’t so up to date with technology at the level that younger people are. And their focus about life is different as they consider the process of aging and end-of-life issues.
Young adults, ages 18 – 29, have a very different outlook. For baby boomers, many finishing high school or college were already seeking to get their careers started, move out of their parents’ home, and possibly start a family. That’s now occurring later for today’s young adults. In a Harris Poll for Bloomberg, it was found that the top reason for young people moving back home was to save money and, secondly, that they couldn’t afford to live on their own.
Today’s work marketplace is different, especially since the COVID outbreak, which has significantly impacted families. With businesses closing, social distancing, quarantining, and working from home the new live/work framework, families had to regroup into one household. For young adults, this period created a scenario wherein they could neither work nor attend school. A new group was created called NEETS “not in employment, education, or training.”
This new group has been opting out of the work force because they’re discouraged by their economic standing, can’t find employment, and are categorized as “new unemployables.” Essentially, they feel left out and left behind.
What’s contributed to this is that employers are hoarding talent they already have and they’re allowing for greater mobility, such as working from home. The outcome is that companies are scaling back on new hires — which means there are more applicants for fewer positions. Hence, many young adults have become stay-at-home unemployed and going back to school isn’t on their bucket list. If it is, their parents will most likely have to foot the bill.
In some situations, young adults aren’t living with their parents, but their own kids are, thus leaving the parenting to their middle-aged parents and grandparents. Many parents hadn’t planned on this scenario thinking their parenting days were behind them. Hopefully, grandparents will be in a position to help, and the parents will be willing and up to the task.
For the sandwiched parents, they may feel that their lives have been put on hold. Any plans, dreams, and goals they had for their mid-life years will have to be rescheduled, scaled back, or dropped altogether. And the weight of caring for everyone is a heavy responsibility that can cause a lot of negative emotions to come up from disappointment to resentment, anger, guilt, shame, and regret, which can lead to depression and worse.
What needs to be faced is the fact that the entire sandwich situation can be fraught with tumultuous family dynamics — for everyone. A lot of consideration, patience, cooperation, compassion, respect, flexibility, and love will need to be exercised in order to weather the ups and downs.
Now the flipside to all of this is how having everyone under one roof can really bring a family together, especially generationally. But there are a few things that need to be in place in order for that to happen.
• Boundaries – with everyone housed together, boundaries need to be set in order to honor each person’s role, space requirements, personal belongings, self-care, schedule, and wants and needs.
• Household rules – even though everyone is in the parents’ home, rules need to be agreed upon in terms of noise, amount of time spent watching television and playing video games, meals, bedtimes, having people over, being out late, use of cars, upkeep of the house, and use of the kitchen, bathrooms, family room, laundry room, and common areas.
• Contributions – everyone needs to pitch in with household chores inside and outside, supporting each other’s needs, family planning, and contributing what they can financially.
Boundaries, household rules, and contributions will always be in flux, and they shouldn’t be dismissed, ignored, or flaunted. If all three areas are in place and agreed upon, then life within the household will operate much more smoothly and with less drama and stress.
What’s very important is honoring each person for who they are and what they contribute to the family from toddler or elder. Each person has a role to play, which is integral to the family functioning as a team as much as possible.
Imperative in this arrangement is the fact that each person has their own unique experience and perspective about their living situation. Each person needs to feel heard and supported and any challenges and stress they’re experiencing should be addressed as early as possible. Burnout must be avoided as stress levels can then skyrocket, negatively impact the entire family, and even lead to emotional trauma.
Finally, having a family with three or four generations living together offers family bonding like no other. Children and young adults benefit from hearing their grandparents’ life stories and experiences, and gain depth and insight from their accrued wisdom and perspectives while learning about historical periods they weren’t born into.
Conversely, grandparents can revel in the exuberance, creativity, and energy of kids and young adults, and share in their dreams and aspirations. And for the parents, the grandparents can help shoulder some of the burden and give the parents some relief.
Though the sandwich generation concept isn’t new, in today’s frenetic and challenging world, the multigenerational family offers many benefits for personal growth and for developing greater resilience, character, self-confidence, and sense of self. It also helps younger people understand the aging process firsthand, gain insight into parenting, and for the entire family to deepen their connection with each other.
