“What happened to you wearing that red sexy satin teddy to bed? Why are you wearing those holes in your boxers like a moth just chewed them up? We don’t go out anymore; we just stay stuck in the house. When was the last time you paid me a compliment? Give me some — I want some. When was the last time you gave me…?”
Does any of this sound familiar? LOL.
For couples that have been together 7+ years, redefining intimacy is a MUST! There are a lot of factors that can cause couples to become disconnected in their relationships. Barriers like health issues, emotional trauma, lack of awareness, and lack of sensations can hinder pleasure, but awareness and effort can lead to breakthroughs.
Around this time in long-term relationships, people begin to feel restless, dissatisfied, complacent, or evolving and ready or tempted to make a change. It’s not just about romantic relationships either: you may want a new car, a career, to upgrade your home, and other personal commitments. It’s just a natural progression of renewal. It happens because of:
- routine fatigue when things become predictable or monotonous and boring,
- unmet needs, whether emotional, physical, or intellectual, that you feel are neglected,
- transitions that occur in life, e.g., career changes, identity shifts, aging, parenting, and even the empty nest scenario, or
- unresolved issues that are ignored and swept under the rug for so long that they’ve caused a wedge in the relationship when they resurface.
When beloveds take the time to communicate and rediscover where they are now, they can move the needle for a new and fresh perspective and begin to heal old wounds.
Here are a few things to consider when navigating the 7-year itch to break through the cycle that keeps couples bound in a loop of complacency.
Check-ins: Communicate, Capacity, and Connection Agreements
Reflection Prompt: Before you begin, take a breath together. Ask yourselves: “How can I show up for you this week in a way that makes you feel loved, supported, and seen?”
Let this be a moment of presence — not performance. A space to honor your connection, not just your commitments.
I encourage couples to create space for weekly check-ins — intentional moments to keep communication flowing and deepen understanding of each other’s needs and desires. With the whirlwind of business travel, board meetings, kid activities, and daily obligations, it’s easy to feel like two ships passing in the night.
Communication: Ask your beloved, “What are we doing well?” and “What can we do better?”
These questions open the door to reflection and growth.
Capacity: Each partner shares their needs or requests. Then, each responds with their current capacity to meet those needs. If one isn’t able to fulfill a request at that moment, this becomes an opportunity for a gentle conversation about when they might be able to. This practice fosters safety, visibility, and emotional presence.
Connection: When it’s time to connect, you’ve already communicated your needs and assessed your capacity. Now, you can show up fully present, engaged, and attuned to one another.
Reflective Prompts
Acknowledge that the relationship got stale
- Be calm about it and give yourselves grace and space to feel all the emotions you have about the relationship.
- Do this without judgment because it doesn’t mean the relationship is over. Stop tripping!
Ask questions of yourself and your beloved
- What am I/are you feeling? Why now?
- Am I/you avoiding something difficult?
- What do I/you want that I am/you are not getting?
- What’s in the way?
- What are you anticipating or projecting?
Get curious
- Revisit what brought you pleasure and joy/excitement
- Try something new together and by yourself
- Create some intimacy around shared goals
- Play more. Date again.
Address any issues
- Plan to have the hard conversations. Stop sweeping things under the rug.
- Consider getting individual and couples therapy
- Hire an Intimacy Coach
The Roots of Connection
The root of connection is the foundational elements of how things or people are linked or related physically, emotionally, or conceptually. We’re connected in so many ways and disconnected all at the same time. Isn’t that interesting?
With that said, take a pause this month and grab your journals and answer the following questions. You are welcome to do these questions by yourself and with your beloved. Before you proceed, give yourself permission to be honest with yourself and allow any and all emotions to be present for you and your beloved. Additionally, allow time for good dialogue around the questions. So, please create a safe environment for it. For example, the top of this article involves all five senses when tapping into physical intimacy. Here’s a thought:
5 Senses:
- Sight: choose a safe, nice, and inviting environment
- Sound: play ambient music
- Smell: light a candle or incense
- Savor: have your favorite snack or beverage
- Touch: wear soft, flexible, and comfy clothing or nothing at all (LOL)
Questions:
- What agreements have you created around intimacy?
- What do you want intimacy to look like for you?
- Do you truly know what you want — and do you ask for it?
When you go through the questions and emotions come up, just breathe, take notice, and do the same for your beloved. Don’t judge or assess, just be and just observe. If you feel too charged or emotional and you need support, pause the exercise and seek professional help from a therapist.
Yes, there are growing pains in this process, but healing takes time, and it’s worth it in the end. Just trust the process. You probably have a lot of things swirling in your mind right now — good, that’s the point.
Keep being curious, have fun with the above exercise, so you can redefine intimacy. Lastly, read the quote below and allow it to penetrate your soul.
“True intimacy energizes you. It makes you braver in the world. It becomes your recharge, your relief, your reminder that you are not alone in this.” ~ Unknown.
As life shifts, so does intimacy. The deeper you explore, the more profound the connection becomes.
