It’s happening all over the country. Couples in their 50s and 60s are deciding to divorce. This age group comprises over 40 percent of all divorces in the US. It’s now called Grey Divorce by those who have noticed the trend.
But why is it happening? Couples who sacrificed and raised their kids to adulthood were supposed to celebrate that feat by going on as many vacations as possible. They were supposed to now be able to put the quality time they once enjoyed back into each other. However, the opposite is happening.
“When couples walk into my office, they often site that they no longer have anything in common,” Mary Sotera said. Sotera, a family Law attorney in Ohio, has seen a rise in cases in the grey divorce age group rise for a variety of reasons.
WHY IS GREY DIVORCE RISING
Longer Life Expectancies: With people living into their 80s and 90s, individuals are less willing to spend an additional 20 to 30 years in an unhappy or “empty shell” marriage.
- Shifting Cultural Norms: Social stigma around divorce has decreased significantly compared to past decades.
- Financial Independence: Greater career and financial participation by women make leaving a long-term marriage more feasible than it used to be.
- Empty Nest Syndrome: Once children leave home, couples sometimes realize they no longer share common interests or core connections outside of parenting.
- Financial Strain: Splitting retirement accounts, pensions, and shared assets like homes can drastically reduce standard of living and delay retirement security.
- Emotional and Social Toll: Older adults may face isolation, depression, or complex family dynamics with adult children. Studies note that men often face a social penalty due to losing their spouse’s social planning network.
Another unfortunate aspect of the growing trend of grey divorce is sickness.
“As people age, unfortunately the spouse of the sickly might not want to take care of them,” Sotera said.
And sickness can include mental illness as well. With age, so many illnesses can occur for this age group. And those who haven’t done a good job of taking care of their mental or physical health might become a burden to the spouse who has done a good job of taking care of their own health.
While it’s not in keeping with the marriage vow of “in sickness or in health,” it’s a factor in the growing trend of why couples are divorcing.
“Blended families are so hard on the nuclear family, too,” Sotera explained. “For those families on their second marriage, trying to get the families, and the kids, and the in-laws all on the same page can be incredibly difficult.”
Approximately 60% to 67% of second marriages end in divorce. This failure rate is higher than first marriages, which typically see a divorce rate of 40% to 50%. Subsequent marriages face even steeper challenges, with third marriages ending in divorce at a rate of roughly 73%.
Though the adult children of divorced parents may not be as impacted by a divorce of a younger couple, they still experience the trauma of a family divided. When a divorce of any kind happens, the goal is for everyone to keep the counsel they need to heal from it. Divorce is never an easy thing to navigate, and Sotera recommends mediation in the event it happens.
“It’s never a pleasant time when a couple comes in to speak with me. I try to make their experience as painless as possible, so everyone involved finds the peace they are seeking,” Sotera said.
ON A SIDE NOTE
In interviewing Sotera for this article, the topic arose of the parental rights of men who have a child with a woman but don’t marry them. In the state of Ohio, if a man has a child out of wedlock, he has zero parental rights to that child. In order to gain any rights, they would have to file a petition with the court to have their co-custodial rights established.
“If the mother decides to leave the state and take the child, she can do so without having to consult the father or ask his permission,” Sotera said.
She went on to say that if the father wants to fight to gain his rights, he will have to file in the state where the child now lives. For men who have children out of wedlock, this can be devastating news.
“Parents can sit down and agree, out of court, on the terms of their parental agreement if they would like. However, for it to be recognized by the court, it would have to be filed and approved by a judge, so they still would eventually get the court involved,” Sotera said.
Creating and maintaining a healthy relationship is one of the most important things a couple can do. Across the board, the failure to do that can have negative consequences for the family and the kids involved.
These conversations are tough; however, they must be done, and if communication is good, then everyone can come out with the peace they need to move on successfully. Sotera knows this better than anyone and is ready to help anyone in need.
