If you’re in the dating pool, you already know the water, as they say, has urine in it. When single people describe their dating experiences, they are often disappointed with the choices they have in the opposite sex. Well, what if the problem is not the pool, but the person swimming in the pool?
The question of why women don’t like the good guy has been a thing for many years. Women often claim that good men are boring, predictable, and too nice. However, if you ask a woman what she’s looking for in a man, she’ll define his attributes using the same characteristics as the good guy. This creates confusion for men when trying to date.
“The dating pool sucks right now,” said Char Curry, a dating coach. “Women don’t know what they want in a man because they don’t really know who they are.”
Curry goes on to describe the modern woman. She’s educated and talented in her career, but her dating choices suffer because she hasn’t put any time into understanding who she really is or what she wants.
Curry also goes on to say that women don’t deal with their trauma well, so when they attempt to find a mate, their past becomes a factor in determining their future.
“Women often come with childhood trauma, or they have trauma from bad dating experiences. Well, if they don’t address those issues, they bring it into their next relationship where the pattern repeats itself,” Curry explained.
That pattern of behavior sets the stage for an endless cycle of disappointing dating experience after disappointing dating experience. And by the time they meet a good guy, they’re so used to the trauma of a relationship, the calmness that a nice guy brings seems wrong.
When women say they’re not attracted to “nice guys,” they usually mean they’re not attracted to men who use excessive politeness to hide insecurity, passivity, or a lack of boundaries. True kindness is universally valued, but performative “niceness” often lacks the confidence, chemistry, and authenticity needed to spark romantic tension.
The friction usually comes down to a few common dynamics:
Lack of Chemistry and Passivity
Being simply agreeable and avoiding all conflict doesn’t create romantic excitement. Without flirting, playful teasing, or stepping up to take the lead, a connection can feel platonic rather than romantic. Women want to feel actively desired and pursued, which requires taking the risk to show clear romantic interest.
Transactional Kindness
Performative niceness is often driven by a hidden motive: the expectation that being polite and accommodating will earn a woman’s affection. Genuine kindness is given without conditions. When a dynamic feels transactional, it can come across as manipulative or lacking in genuine character.
Lack of Identity and Boundaries
If a man constantly agrees with everything a woman says, hides his own opinions, or sacrifices his values to avoid rejection, it creates a lack of authenticity. People connect with real, three-dimensional individuals who have boundaries, passions, and the confidence to express who they truly are.
Insecurity and “Nice Guy” Syndrome
Underneath hyper-accommodating behavior often lies a fear of conflict and rejection. Constantly seeking validation and approval can make a man appear needy. Confidence, self-respect, and the ability to handle disagreement respectfully are what ultimately build deep trust and attraction.
But there is another side to dating that women also struggle with. Masculine men. Men with boundaries. Men who understand who they are and are unwilling to put up with the drama that many women come with.
“Some women today only want men for one thing, money,” Char says. “Masculine men are not going to put up with that type of behavior because they understand what they bring to the table; they’ll not allow a woman to manipulate them and take advantage of them.”
Dating a masculine man often means embracing a dynamic of healthy partnership where your date takes initiative, offers emotional or practical support, and takes pride in providing a secure, stable environment. This allows a woman to relax, let him lead, and lean into her own receptivity.
Navigating this relationship involves focusing on these key dynamics:
Letting Him Court You: A traditionally masculine partner usually enjoys the pursuit. Allow him to take the lead in making plans, securing the reservations, and showing his intentions through proactive actions.
Clear Communication: Assertive, masculine men appreciate directness. A woman clearly communicating her needs, boundaries, and appreciation builds a strong foundation of mutual trust and respect.
Appreciating His Efforts: A secure masculine man feels valued when his efforts to protect, provide, and support are acknowledged. A simple “thank you” for a gentlemanly gesture goes a long way.
Embracing Complementary Energy: Allowing a partner to take the reins frees the need to over-function or compete. This supportive balance allows both individuals to thrive in their respective strengths.
On the other side, men are in a real battle to understand just what they are getting from today’s dating pool. There’s so much to filter through when attempting to date a woman that many men have checked out of the dating market and would rather have peace than the companionship of a woman.
Many men are intentionally choosing to step away from dating, a trend often linked to a shift toward prioritizing peace, self-sufficiency, and personal well-being. Often, disengagement stems from past relationship trauma, dating app burnout, or the high effort-to-reward ratio of modern dating.
Key Reasons Men Step Away from Dating
Burnout & Frustration: Many men find modern dating apps exhausting. Issues like low match rates, unreciprocated effort, and “ghosting” make the process feel like a high-stress, low-reward endeavor.
Prioritizing Independence: Research from forums like Reddit highlights that many men report immense improvements in self-respect, happiness, and financial stability when focusing solely on themselves.
Fear of Rejection & Misunderstandings: A decline in organic, in-person social interactions leaves many men feeling awkward about making the first move. Many men are also afraid of being perceived as “creepy” or facing professional repercussions.
Past Trauma: Unresolved heartbreak — such as being cheated on or going through a difficult divorce — drives many men to protect their emotional well-being rather than risk getting hurt again.
Perceived Risks of Marriage: Some men view the legal and financial stakes of marriage and divorce as a major risk, opting to remain single to protect their assets.
There is still a chance for anyone who wants to date to find love. They’re going to have to put in the real work of making themselves datable, which means doing the work to become attractive to the opposite sex — not externally, but internally. It means that people must be the kind of people that they themselves would want to date.
Until then, the dating will continue to get worse, and the urine that is in the pool will get more and more yellow.
